It’s a real thing
Hot phone sex isn’t an oxymoron — it’s true!
Phone sex taps into what sexologist Rebecca Alvarez Story, founder of the pleasure product marketplace Bloomi, calls the most underutilized way to turn someone on: the ears.
“The sound of someone’s voice and moans can be seriously arousing,” she explains.
Plus, while your partner’s hand/tongue/bits may not be Available For Use, your own hands and pleasure products are right there if you want them!
Phone sex operator Jessie Sage, co-host of Peepshow Podcast, adds that it can be a hot way to have sex with someone, like a Tinder match or former college classmate, without ruining the fantasy. “Sometimes certain people or situations are only hot in fantasy,” she says.
Now let’s get started.
Ask for consent
And not just once.
Do a temperature check
“When you’re in a relaxed environment, put the idea out there and see how they respond to it,” says Story.
Some ways to bring it up in person:
- “I know I’m not going to see you for a few days after this. I was thinking it might be fun to try phone sex before we see each other again.”
- “My friend was just telling me she and her partner have phone sex. It’s not something I’ve had before but might be interested in trying if you are. Do you have thoughts about phone sex?”
If their answer is “maybe” and they seem nervous or hesitant, you might ask what it is about having phone sex that they’re unsure of.
If it’s the lack of visual, you might try a video call instead. If it’s being able to speak sexily, you might start by sexting.
If you aren’t physically with the other person, you might bring it up with:
- “Is phone sex something you might be interested in testing out together?”
- “Would you ever be interested in jerking off while I’m on the other line? I think listening to each other get off could be really hot.”
And if you’re asking a sexting mate or Tinder match you haven’t yet met? Read the room.
Is this a completely outlandish ask, or have your conversations already been explicitly sexual?
If you have a virtual fling, you might send a text that says:
- “I’ve loved talking dirty with you over text. Hearing your voice say these things would be a huge turn on for me. Can I take you on a phone sex date?”
- “Would you be into moving these dirty conversations from text to phone? I’d love to hear you moan.”
Ask consent before a specific phone sex session, too
Before you whisper to your partner, “I want to lick and suck you until you’re as dry as the Sahara Desert,” you need to make sure that they’re down to dirty talk right this very moment.
That’ll save you from the awkwardness of laying it all out there when your partner is otherwise preoccupied — like if they’re at work or with their parents.
Plus, there’s no rollover effect with consent. “You need to ask if your partner wants to have phone sex every single time,” says Story.
You don’t need to schedule it weeks in advance — though a weekly phone sex date isn’t bad idea for you LDR folks.
A “Hey! What are you up to tonight? Can I tempt you to a phone sex date?” or “I’ve been thinking about the way you sound when you come all morning. Do you have time for a dirty talk date sometime soon?” will ensure you’re both on the same page.
Touch base about language
Never is language quite so important than when you’re nose-deep in your partner’s fold and… you get the point.
Ask outright about body preference words
Fam, before you have any kind of sexy relations with someone — in person, video, text, or call — you should find out what nouns and adjectives they like for their bits and bobs.
“Find out what words make them feel sexy and feel good,” says Sage.
The easiest way to do that? Share what words you like. For example:
- “I like when you call my pussy a pussy or vagina, but I have a negative association with c*nt. What words feel best to you?”
- “I really like when you wax poetic about how strong and solid my back is when I give you head, but I don’t like the word ‘bulky.’ Are there any words you either really like or don’t like?”
Another option: Look to your partner for language cues
Unless you’re also a sex writer or sex educator, chances are you’ve never asked someone (or been asked yourself) what body part words they like.
So if your partner gives you a non-answer to the above, there’s an alternative: Listen to how they reference their own bods.
Chances are at some point your partner is going to let you know they’re [verbing] their [noun].
Keep track of what those verbs and nouns are, and use them when you’re describing what you’re doing to their [noun].
Familiarize yourself with the lingo of lovemaking
Thanks to the abysmal sex education in the United States, most of our sexicon doesn’t go beyond “vagina,” “breasts,” “condom,” and “sex.”
“If you’re not used to talking about sex or your body in nonmedical ways, phone sex is going to be harder,” says Sage.
She recommends expanding your verbiage with the help of the below:
A sexting robot
Yep! This exists. Sex and relationship app Juicebox released a feature called Slutbox which allows you to sharpen your dirty talk skills — or just get some horny loving when you’re feeling lonely.
To get started, text “slutbot” to 415-650-0395. You’ll answer some Qs about your gender and sexual preferences and get rolling.
Read erotica
What could be a better way to up your dirty dictionary entries than with some page porn? Either opt for shorter, online stories from sites like Sugar Butch Chronicles and Aurore, or read a full-on erotic novel.
Here are some A+ erotica novels that aren’t “Fifty Shades of Grey”:
- “The Boss” by Abigail Barnette
- “The Club” by A.L. Brooks
- “No Limits” by Lori Foster
- “Diary of a Submissive” by Sophie Morgan
- “The Hacker Series” by Meredith Wild
- “To Italy With Love” by Fiona Zedde
Listen to audio erotica
Like reading erotica, listening to it exposes you to verbs, nouns, and adjectives you can borrow for your own erotic scenes.
Plus, it’ll get you used to hearing the oh-so-hot phrases.
Some popular audio erotica sites and apps:
- Dipsea
- Quinn
- Girl on the Net
- Bawdy Storytelling
Put on porn… but don’t watch it
Just listen. CrashPadSeries is an especially good (paid) porn site for learning consent-based, pleasure-focused phrases.
Set the scene
Even if you never plan to introduce video to your sex sesh, you need to limit distractions, says Story.
If you’re paying attention to the cat or checking the email notification that just popped up on your phone, your partner will sense that you’re preoccupied.
Story offers the following steps for set up:
- Flip your phone to Do Not Disturb mode, and turn off all other technology.
- Clean your room.
- Set the space to a comfortable temp.
- Put your pleasure props in an easy-to-reach place.
- Play tunes, avoiding sites that play commercials.
- Light candles and dim the lights.
Getting started
Your room is clean, you’ve got your depraved dictionary in your back pocket (unless you’ve already dropped trou) and the green light from your partner to phone-bone. Now what? There are a few options.
Mutually masturbate
Shed your skivvies and reach between your legs. Or, grab your fave buzzy buddy.
Then, with your phone in one hand and your junk or toy in the other, have at it!
“Phone sex doesn’t have to be elaborate,” says Story. “Listening to the sounds and moans of the other person moaning can be arousing without much other talking.”
Explain what you’re doing
From taking your shirt off to sliding a finger inside one of your holes, Story says, “Walking someone step by step through what you’re doing and how you’re touching yourself can be hot.”
Her tip: Go slow. Rather than immediately plugging in your Magic Wand and making magic, start by telling your partner where you are, what you’re wearing, and how horny you’ve been all day.
Then, get detailed. Very detailed. Invoke as many senses as you can with your descriptions, she suggests. For instance, “The lube feels cool against my clit.”
Relive a previous romp
“The words ‘remember when’ are a great way to start sexy talking,” says Sage. “Then, you and your partner can work together to recap the experience.”
Again, go slow. Don’t say, for example, “Remember when we banged on the soccer field for like 3 hours, that was fun.”
It doesn’t give your partner much to respond to.
Instead, bring your partner into the storytelling experience.
“Do you remember that time on the soccer field? The night it was cold, and we were the only ones around and you gave me that look of yours before pulling me onto the grass?”
The difference is subtle but effective!
“Questions are a great tool for keeping the conversation going,” says Sage.
Recapping works best as a group-exercise with someone you’ve already had IRL sex with.
If your partner has a cuckolding fantasy, and they communicate that they want you to, you can tell them about an experience with someone else.
Explore a fantasy
“Phone sex can be a fun way to talk about things you and your partner want to do in real life,” says Sage. For instance, “If you two have talked about having a threesome before, talk through what that would look like.”
Phone sex can also be a fun space to fantasize about things you never actually want to happen, she says.
For example, maybe you find double penetration painful in person, but think the fantasy of the fullness is hot.
Story has one word of warning: “Make sure your partner understands the difference between a fantasy you definitely want try, might want to try under the right circumstances, and definitely don’t want to try.”
Ask questions
Sage recommends starting here if you’ve recently started having sex with this person, or never have.
“It’s a good way to get a sense of how they think about sex,” she says.
What to ask:
- “Will you tell me what you thought about the last time you masturbated?”
- “What was the hottest sexual experience you’ve ever had?”
- “What are you wearing?”
Keep up the moment(come)
These tips can help you keep G-O-ing once you get started.
Don’t rush it
“Just as sex is usually best when slow, so is phone sex,” says Sage. “Think about your cadence and use suspension and anticipation to your advantage.”
Laugh!
Rather than being a sign that things are going south, “laughter is a sign you’re comfortable with each other and having a good time,” says Story.
“Sex isn’t supposed to be so serious. Embrace the joy.”
Be you
Unless you and your partner are specifically role-playing a fantasy that requires you to alter the pitch of your voice or pretend to be a prince from a faraway land, there’s no need to do that.
If there’s a lull in the convo
“A lull in a conversation can happen if someone is feeling self-conscious, so ask them what they’re thinking about, or what they’re feeling,” suggests Sage.
Even “Is this still feeling good to you?” works.
You might also use this time to tell your partner how you would touch them if you were there.
“If you’re feeling dominant and you get the sense that your partner is feeling submissive, you can tell them how to touch themselves, or what toy to use,” she says.
Another option: Start moaning!
“Just masturbate and let your partner hear you,” says Story. “It’ll be fun for both of you.”
What if something isn’t working?
Say so. Some lines to help redirect the convo:
- “Tonight I’d prefer if you’d XYZ.”
- “Actually, would you be open to XYZ’ing instead?”
- “I don’t want that right now. But maybe after you XYZ.”
If they said something that has completely taken you out of it, tell them. For example:
- “Gah, I’m sorry to do this but that one line took me out of the moment. Can we switch modes?”
- “I’m having a hard time staying in the moment, would you prefer to talk about something a little less sexy or hang up?”
- “I have a history of trauma and what you just said brought that up for me, so I need to remove myself from the conversation. I hope you understand.”
Add in video
It’s pretty easy to go from just voice to voice plus video. Cheers to technology!
As long as you and your partner are equally into it, feel free to cue up video and let your eyes feast on the sexy human you’ve been imagining all night long.
The bottom line
Phone boning has as much pleasure potential as any other sex.
“It might feel awkward at first, but you might be surprised how sexy and courageous you feel behind a phone screen,” says Story. “Embrace it!”
If it isn’t working for you, remember that you can also put an end to it!
Gabrielle Kassel is a New York–based sex and wellness writer and CrossFit Level 1 Trainer. She’s become a morning person, tested over 200 vibrators, and eaten, drunk, and brushed with charcoal — all in the name of journalism. In her free time, she can be found reading self-help books and romance novels, bench-pressing, or pole dancing. Follow her on Instagram.